These are just complicated emotions

I wrote this while wondering if our relationship was really moving forward or if it was on a pause. I am being reminded of waiting at the bus stop and not knowing which bus to take or where exactly I am going because I wanted to try something new and go to a new place but that period had been a bit exciting. Back then I had found myself trying to cross an express road, scared that I would be unalived in a strange place and my parents would know nothing about it, where I am or what I was doingsnd they wouldn't be able to save me. 

This feeling is just like me trying to cross the roads and hoping I wouldn't get hit by a moving vehicle. It hurts to think that you can't be saved and that you are the only one you can look up to. And so I wrote this. And even though it hardly makes sense, I'm still glad I wrote it. 

Title: These are my complicated emotions

It really isn't worth it. To be in love, that is. It's more or less a waste of time because at the end of the day, sometimes weeks, months and even years we lose these feelings that we were once consumed in and our mind goes bleak, you know, blank, like a piece of paper that has no ink on it or water that is clear with no particle and when we lose this feeling that's when… At least for me that's when I realised I wanted more, that's when I realised I could feel more than I used to feel and I could be so much more than being in love and that was when I opened the dictionary because I wanted to learn more words, words I could use to express my self with. 

You see, if I were married, we'll I wouldn't know, sometimes I don't wish to be married, other times I picture a family of four and sometimes I see it as just me living my life all alone with a list of things in my head that I probably wouldn't do. I feel like I'm going out of line here, I must have forgotten what I originally wanted to write about. Oh, yes, I remember, laughing out loud. 

I wanted to write about how love isn't really love and how it's just some made up fiction but I really have nothing to write about love because what do I know? I can only write about how love is not love if I have felt it before but I haven't. I never let myself to be in love or to love, that would be one hell of a mistake and I am a perfectionist.